Ep 15 - Mums – Reignite Your Sexuality with Tamica Wilder
Tamica Wilder is a Melbourne-based sex coach, multi-qualified therapist and the author of Wild Honey. Tamica is hugely passionate about teaching mums how to return to the language of their body, giving them full permission to prioritise pleasure and play. I’m so excited Tamica is joining me on the podcast.
Listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast and more.
Broadcast: May 21, 2021
Here is a snippit of our conversation…
There’s no going back to ‘what was’.
Amy: So on behalf of my listeners, I'd love to know… Is it possible to really love sex again?
Tamica: It is. It is possible to love sex again, absolutely. And it’s a task that requires us not to go back or not to be really concerned with going back to the way things were. But to create anew and to move forward as who we are now. A lot of the people I work with just want to go back to when they were 26, but that’s not it, we're not going back anywhere, we have to create from this fresh place. It means carving out time for connection with your body in ways that your schedule probably hasn't allowed. And as mums, it's so easy to say, ‘Oh, I don't have time for that’. And it's like, no, you don't and you never will, unless you carve it. So we need to be able to schedule self-connection and body connection in a way that allows our sexuality to come through.
Let’s start with erotic embodiment.
Amy: So do you often suggest as a coach, that people start in terms of fostering that pleasure and the connection, they start with activities pertaining to self-pleasure or reconnecting with the body?
Tamica: So, I don't necessarily start at masturbation. I start with what's called erotic embodiment. Let's picture you at 26 or 28 and you're ovulating and you're walking down the street and you're kind of parting the sidewalk because you know, you're just on fire. You know, that moment is eroticism embodied effortlessly because of what's happening in your body, because of what you believe to be true about yourself, because you’re just having a day where you're feeling great. Right? And my ethos is that actually we can bring those moments to presence in our body, in our daily life, in our bedroom with the door closed any time, anytime we want, regardless of where we're at in our cycle or what's happening outside of that door.
You are worthy of pleasure and play.
Amy: So there must be numerous women who actually find it difficult to ask for what it is they want and perhaps find it difficult to know how to have a conversation around this stuff, to prioritize their pleasure, to feel worthy of experiencing more of what they want. That must be quite a common conversation?
Tamica: Very common. And you've nailed it - underneath everything is this piece around worth. I am worthy of this pleasure. I'm worthy of this re-connection. And the conversation stuff is difficult. And what I see most is that it's hard because in our partnerships and even in our friendships, we lock each other into these boxes around our identity. And we say things to each other like, ‘Oh, you don't like that’ or ‘But that's not what you usually do’, or, ‘Oh, that's a new colour that you're wearing, you're not usually like that’. We love feeling like we really know people. So much so that when you are trying to create something new or trying to have a conversation about pleasure or something sexy or erotic or different, it's like it bangs up against the known self and your static identity. What we need to get really good at is going, ‘Okay, this is how I've been in the past, but this is what I want. What I want means that I need to go and do something new or have a different type of conversation and finding the courage to go ‘I know I said this, but now I'm saying that, now I want something fresh’ or ‘Now I would love to try this different type of pleasure’ or whatever it is. So it takes a lot of courage to have those conversations.
What do you want to create for yourself?
Amy: So, let's just say I’m a few years into motherhood. I've fallen out of love with sex but it is something that I want to prioritize again. I don't even know where to start. Am I right in saying that they would start with what you’ve just mentioned, you know, reconnecting with your body?
Tamica: Actually, the very first thing is becoming aware of what you might have made true about sex, what you've decided and made true, what beliefs you surrender to and subscribe to about sex and pleasure. Such as ‘I don't have time for it’. And, ‘Why doesn't my body feel the same anymore? I can't really feel anything, I'm just always exhausted. I don't want to be touched. Old mate is really annoying actually. And I don't feel respected by him or them. And it means that I don't want to open my body’. So that becomes quite complex and layered in itself doesn’t it. So it's starting with self-awareness and the stories that you might be telling yourself, and then moving into what do I actually want to create?
Ask: What does reconnecting with my sexuality look like to me?
Tamica: For some people maybe it sounds like, ‘Oh, I go from nothing to now I masturbate three times a week.’ And for you, that's what you want. And that's great for someone else. If it’s ‘I've gone from nothing to I want to feel comfortable to allow my husband to touch me.’ So really then getting very clear on what it means to you. What you're aiming for. We know that sex and sensuality and being connected to a broader system means for me is not the same as the person next to me and that's a very important distinction. So we actually have to be very clear on what you want to create. If you don't know what it is you want to create, then you'll have no reason to then come to your erotic embodiment. You have to prioritize this new lens actually, because the way the world is set up does not say ‘Hey, here you go, mum, here's all of the permission you need to feel sexual again.’ The world's never going to do that. You're not going to get that at your mum’s group. You're not going to get that among your friends at school drop-off. You need to harness that yourself and choose that for you - and then dive in.
Don’t let your sexuality be dormant.
Amy: So, I would just love to ask in conclusion, what would you say to an exhausted mother who looks back to those days when she was walking down the street when she was 26 thinking, ‘Oh my God, those were the days’, what would you say to her?
Tamica: I would say 'You’re allowed to want to love sex again', I would say 'There is a teacher for you'. I would say 'Go gently and go slowly, but please let's go. Because life's not over, sex is not over. Like, it's not, it, you're not laying dormant. Every moment you allow your sexuality to lay dormant, you allow other pieces of your brilliance and your creativity and your spark for life and your joy and your activism and your voice and your wild nature, your unapologetic nature, your boldness, your brilliance.... You're allowing all of that to lay dormant inside of your sex.' And I do not believe that we can live full and whole lives that exclude our sex and our pleasure. So let's bring it back online. And I really believe that we can all do this.